Akkurat nå driver jeg med noe jeg egentlig ikke kan.
Eller, jeg lærer mens jeg holder på, men jeg har i utgangspunktet kanskje ikke den nødvendige kompetansen.
Når usikkerheten tar litt overhånd leser jeg utdrag fra en av mine favorittbøker, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, av Elizabeth Gilbert - og minner meg på at frykten for å drite meg ut eller feile ikke skal styre meg mens jeg jobber.
Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life:
You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored. You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better. You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark.
You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously. You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing. You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree. You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.)
You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist. You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal. You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons. You’re afraid your best work is behind you.
You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again. You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder. You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder.
Noe treffer ekstra hardt (og ikke nødvendigvis godt.) Og det er egentlig morsomt hvor selvmotsigende frykten kan være, for joda, jeg føler meg både altfor ung og samtidig altfor gammel til å starte helt fra scratch. (Utligner de hverandre på en måte som gjør alderen min helt perfekt?)
Uansett, denne lange listen til Gilbert minner meg på at jeg ikke kan leve med så mye dum frykt.
Derfor fortsetter jeg altså å gjøre det jeg i utgangspunktet ikke kan - i håp om at prøving og sikkert mye feiling fulgt av mer prøving skal lede meg dit jeg vil.